Am I the only one?Published 10:18am Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Am I the only one who complains about the world’s work ethic while spending five hours watching TV?
Am I the only one that argues with his wife on the way to church then acts as if everything is fine once there?
Am I the only one who wonders why sex is such a big part of life yet no one seems to talk about it?
Am I the only one who tracks dirt in the house, looks around for the whereabouts of his wife, and quickly sweeps it under the rug? (Hope you’re not reading this, Debra)
Am I the only one who, lying in bed in the dark of night, feels this dreadful envelopment of duties and inadequacy, and breaks out in cold sweat as desperation creeps into my bloodstream and I feel hopelessly, endlessly trapped?
Am I the only one who is haunted by the choices he made in the past?
Am I the only one who nods his head “yes” when asked if he knows so-and-so, or where such-and-such a road is even though you don’t because if you say “no,” the conversation will get completely sidetracked by whom so-and-so is or where such-and-such a road is?
Am I the only one who, while having company over, takes great pain in making as little noise as possible in the restroom?
Am I the only one who looks back at past loves and says “what if?”
Am I the only one who wonders, sometimes, if there really is such a thing as a God?
Am I the only one who thinks, sometimes, there’s got to be more to life than this present life I’m leading?
Am I the only one who starts talking to someone familiar and without a clue as to their name?
Am I the only one who will eat banana pudding out of the main dish, wash the spoon and put it away so no one will know?
Am I the only one who thinks their grandchild is the cutest of all the grandchildren in all the world?
Am I the only man who watches chick-flicks and cries?
Am I the only one with high cholesterol who eats double cheeseburgers?
Am I the only one who reads this column?
REX ALPHIN of Walters is a farmer, businessman, author, county supervisor and contributing columnist for The Tidewater News. His email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.