Archived Story

Are you kidding me?

Published 10:40am Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Really? Do you really take me for a fool? Do I look that naïve? Does this face appear that gullible?

Let me get this straight (if you can tell it to me without laughing). You show me this little object about the size of a pencil eraser. It’s yellow and white and pointed on one end. It has no motors. It has no computer circuits. It doesn’t need gas or oil or propane. It’s not titanium. It weighs less than a penny. It has no taste or smell. It makes about the same noise as a rock if I drop it on the floor. It doesn’t speak or move or make any semblance of motion.

Now you tell me to stick it in the dirt and cover it up. The dirt! Are you kidding me? Now if you had said some highly sophisticated combination of rare materials that took years of careful experimentation to devise the precise needed formulation, I might — might! — think about listening to you. But not just plain old everyday all-over-the-place dirt that’s under our feet and gets on our shoes and our cars and 3 year old hands.

Now you tell me — and this is the crazy part- that in 90 days that little yellow, tasteless, motionless, weightless piece of whatever will become a 10 foot tall structure with 20 arms! Are you kidding me! In 90 days! And it will be green? Really? Where — please tell me, oh great one!- did the green come from? And how in the world does something so small become something so big? On its own? Where are the springs or pulleys or wheels or batteries? Come on!

And no — I will not stick it in the dirt to prove it just to watch you laugh at me so you can tell people how stupid I was! If this were actually true, don’t you think it would make the news? Would it not be plastered on billboards and exalted as a miracle? If this tall tale were an actuality it would be the talk of the town! Scientist and priest would come from afar to marvel at such phenomenon! Humans would drive for miles to witness such an event!

Please leave me. Go find some other victim to perpetuate your hoax. Get your laughs from some other unsuspecting fool. But not from me. I was born at night — but not last night.

REX ALPHIN of Walters is a farmer, businessman, author, county supervisor and contributing columnist for The Tidewater News. His email address is rexalphin@aol.com.

  • employee2

    The non-believers will tell you that it just evolved that way.

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    • Sinoptik

      Sorry but the non-believers understand that it was domesticated by humans, kind of like the banana that the charlatan Ray Comfort claims was placed here by god as a perfect food source.

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      • employee2

        Had to be here first before you can domesticate it. Or am I missing some news where scientists have made a new plant from common materials found here on earth. Or made life from an inanimate object?

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      • Sinoptik

        I am not here to educate you on basic horticulture. My statement was to illustrate your lack of knowledge on both crop domestication and evolution. You need not reply to assist me in showing this.

        But to take an abstract view, who is to say that primitive man with a deep knowledge of magic did not chant into the wind, throw specially chosen rocks into the ground which brought forth beautiful 10 foot stalks of corn. Would that explanation be more congruent to your worldview?

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      • employee2

        Mainly you proved something I suspected of you, which I will keep to myself to follow the rules of the forum. You also proved that you can’t prove your point, because you evaded it. My knowledge of crops would blow your small minded view in seconds, but that is usually the case with blow hards that are “legends in their own mind”. You can’t domesticate something that isn’t already there. You can’t polish a car until you have a car.

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      • Sinoptik

        Who is evading? I said primitive man, guided by the noodley appendage of the flying spaghetti monster, buried sacred rocks from which grew corn in it’s present state.

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